Here's a great article written by David DeAngelo, a brilliant guy who writes about the psychology of dating and meeting women.
I get a lot of questions from guys asking all kinds of questions about how to behave around women.
In fact, this might be one of the areas that guys want to know about the most.
I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past year or so about the concept of being "cool".
In other words, I've been watching people (myself included) to see if I could figure out why some people are considered "cool" wile some are considered "uncool"... and, more importantly, how to use this idea to have more success with women.
What is a cool guy?
So what is a "cool guy"?
And what is it about a guy who's "cool" that makes women feel more attracted to him than an "uncool" guy?
Let me tell you a few quick mini-stories about guys I've known who were un-cool.
One friend I used to have loved to argue with people. He would start arguments about anything, and always take the opposite perspective on every topic. He did this with women all the time too. I think he felt like he was coming across as smart when he argued. Guess what? Women hated it, and ran as soon as he started in. His guy friends hated it too, by the way. He was un-cool, because his insecurity was so strong, that he had to argue to get attention.
Another friend I have always tries to do nice things and favors for women he likes. As soon as he meets a woman he likes, he tries to find something he can do for her. Of course, he then gets upset when the woman doesn't return the feelings of affection... and he acts upset and "taken advantage of". This, of course, makes women run away. As you can probably guess, he's trying to manipulate women with favors. And women resent him for it. Women don't think he's cool, and they avoid him.
I know one guy who loves to tell women how beautiful they are, buy them drinks and dinners, and pursue them with the "You're the greatest thing in the world, and I'm going to chase you around and try to buy your attention". And even though he's doing a lot of "nice" things for the women he's interested in, he can't keep one around for more than a date or two. Even his guy friends think that he needs to calm down and act more "cool" in general.
Now, all three of the guys I've mentioned above have different problems... but the way I see it, they're all strangely related.
Here are a few more quick stories about guys I know who are "cool".
One guy I know always has girls around him. In fact, I don't think I've ever seen him without at least one girl with him. Usually he has three or four girls with him... and sometimes up to 10 or 12. He always makes fun of the girls, teases them, and treats them like good friends who he's comfortable enough to bust on. He's not rich, he doesn't buy things for women, and he doesn't kiss up to them. He does, on the other hand, make it his business to know where the "cool" places are in town, where to go out, and who to call for the "inside track" on where the hot spots are. Then he shows up at the door to these hot spots with five women. Everyone who knows him thinks of him as a "cool" guy.
I have another friend that is really amazing with women. But he does something that's rather unusual when he's around women. He kind of ignores them when he first meets them. If he's out with friends, and one of them introduces a female friend, he'll shake her hand and say "hi", then turn away and go back to whatever he was doing. Somehow, the women that are around him always want to talk to him. And all the guys he knows think of him as one of the coolest guys around.
Finally, I have one friend who literally says things to women like "You probably wouldn't like me. I don't really have relationships with women. Our relationship will probably go no further than the physical..." If you've seen my Advanced DVD Program, you probably remember him saying these exact words when I'm interviewing him. He's so calm and laid back around women that they have to often pursue him... and it happens a lot. He's blunt, direct, and honest about whatever is on his mind. He doesn't chase women, buy them things, or smother them with compliments... and yet, they love him. And he has a crew of guy friends who all love him and think he's one of the "coolest" guys in the world.
So what is it that separates the "cool" guys from the "uncool" guys? What is "cool"?
What is it that makes a few rare people the kind of people that everyone wants to be around?
What is it about un-cool guys that repels other people, and makes women run away?
And what is it about this element that I'm calling "cool" that makes guys who have it attract more women than they can handle?
The Definition of Cool
I personally think that being "cool" comes down to:
- Being independent
- Being indifferent
- Being funny
- Being socially adjusted
Before I get into each of these in detail, I want to mention something...
Usually, I tend to stick to techniques to help you meet more women, or give you advice to get past limiting beliefs, etc.
I've realized recently that there are a few basic, fundamental things that we, as guys, need to really "get" about interacting with other people before we start trying to learn advanced stuff, like how to approach and meet women. If you don't have some of the basic stuff handled, all the fancy techniques in the world won't fix your problem.
So stick with me here, this is important stuff.
OK, so let's talk about the four components that I mentioned above.
Independent is the opposite of dependent.
When you act dependent, you lean on others, you look to them for approval, you ask what they think before you make a decision, you tend to want to stay physically close to them, and your feelings tend to depend on what others feel and think of you.
When you act independent, you lean back, you do things because you decided you wanted to, you don't ask others what they think - instead you decide yourself. You are fine walking away from your friends for awhile when you're out, and your feelings are controlled by what you think, not what others think.
A dependent person will go into a bar with friends, stick close to them all night, ask what everyone else is drinking before they order, get upset easily about things that others say, and constantly be looking for attention and approval in some way.
An independent person, on the other hand, will go into a bar with friends and be more likely to... walk away and look around the place alone to see who's there - and feel fine about striking up a conversation and leaving their friends for awhile... They'll order a drink if they want, or water if they want - and not care what everyone else is drinking... They'll be cool and calm no matter what happens - even if others are getting upset around them... And, most importantly, they aren't looking to others for attention and approval. They're doing their own thing, and enjoying whatever happens.
Most people in this world are attached to the outcomes of things. They're constantly worrying about what's going to happen... and talking about the future in a fearful, uncertain way.
This type of person always wants to know what other people think of them, and they're worrying about what they should do so other people like them. Unfortunately, this almost always comes across as insecurity.
An indifferent person, on the other hand, just goes about life and takes things as they come.
The indifferent person is indifferent to the outcome of whatever situation they're in.
If it's a man, and he's approaching a woman, he will be OK with whatever happens. If she's nice to him, great. If she's uptight, no problem. If she's rich, famous, and beautiful... and starts coming on to him, fine. No big deal.
When you are ATTACHED to the outcome of a situation, it makes you act all kinds of freaky. You pause, act nervous, hold back, look for approval, act insecure... and any of 100 other unattractive things.
On the other hand, when you're INDIFFERENT to the outcome, it makes you MAGNETIC. Especially when it comes to women and dating. Indifference is the ultimate way to show a LACK of insecurity in life.
Humor is magic.
It's a complete mystery why we find things "funny" and why we "laugh".
Crying because someone died makes some logical sense. It's a bad thing, and crying expresses a negative emotion.
But when you see a dog run into a window because he doesn't see it... and he gets a confused look on his face, you LAUGH. What's with that?
Humor is interesting to me, in that if you're funny, it makes people FEEL GOOD inside. They laugh, and it triggers positive feelings.
If you're not naturally funny, it's a great skill to learn. Read books. Watch live comedy. Do whatever it takes to learn how to be funny.
Most of the "coolest" guys I know are wickedly funny. Some of them are only funny on occasion... but they "get it"... and when they do make a joke, it's DAMN funny.
Being Socially Adjusted
I know that this sounds funny, but most of the people I know who are "UN-cool" are not very adjusted socially.
They lack a certain something in the "social skills" department that makes it OBVIOUS to others (and especially women) that they don't know how to relate very well to other people. They just never learned how to make others feel comfortable around them.
If you've ever known an accountant or computer programmer that was brilliantly smart, but totally boring, you know what I mean.
If people act kind of nervous, strange, and uncomfortable when they're around you, then you also know where I'm coming from on this.
I can't teach you how to make people feel comfortable around you in two sentences, but if you need to learn how to mix with people socially, then start PAYING ATTENTION to what's going on around you.
Watch how others dress, hold themselves, walk, and talk. Pay attention to little details... like saying "What's up?" when you meet someone new, instead of "Hello, pleased to meet you" and such.
...now, is this all there is to being "cool"?
Of course not.
But it's a great start.
If you can first get yourself to the place where other people want to be around you just because they enjoy your company, you'll find that taking things to the next level with women will be about 10 times easier.
I've had this conversation with MANY of the guys I know who are successful with women, and they all basically say the same thing... you have to learn how to be "cool" and make others (women) feel comfortable just being in the same room with you. And if you're "cool", this happens almost instantly. If you're not "cool", then you're going to have a hard time making ANYONE feel comfortable with you... never mind having a woman feel ATTRACTION for you.
Now, I've also realized that a lot of the materials that I teach in my eBook and Advanced Dating Techniques CD/DVD Program are aimed at this EXACT topic.
Even though I don't talk very much about this concept (I will in the future, though), you'll notice that many of the techniques you'll learn from my materials will help you in a lot of areas of your life... not just with women.
As a direct result of the things I've learned about how to be more successful with women and dating, I've ALSO become more successful at things like being invited to "exclusive" parties, having famous and successful people pursue me as a friend, and just generally being invited into more "exclusive" social circles.
Why is this?
Well, for one thing, people who know a lot of "cool" or influential people are very careful about who they "bring along" to gatherings with friends.
The LAST thing someone "cool" needs in their life is an "UN-cool" person making a jackass of themselves in front of all of their friends.
When you learn the art of being "cool", you start to attract other cool people. And those people will see that you're not insecure, emotionally unstable, clingy, and such. They'll see that you know how to handle yourself with other people (and with women), and they'll start introducing you to other cool people (and women) instead of running away from you.
I know that this newsletter is going to ignite a whole series of letters to me about how learning these concepts has done exactly what I'm talking about for various guys (and I want to hear about it, by the way, so make sure you write in).
Want more great ideas on how to be "cool", and how to meet and date more women? I thought so...
It took me a long time to figure out how to be "cool" around women... and how to make women feel that powerful physical and emotional response called ATTRACTION...
I can't tell you how much I wish I would have had what I teach when I was younger. It's taken me literally YEARS to put all the pieces together, and I invite you to take advantage of the time, effort, energy, and money I've invested to discover, refine, and organize all of the step-by-step techniques I've put together...
Where can you get all of this good stuff?
Even better, where can you get it with literally ZERO risk?
My Advanced Dating Techniques CD/DVD program.
It's over 12 full hours of me and some of my friends who are AMAZING with women teaching you exactly how to overcome your fears, approach women, meet women online, get phone numbers and emails... how to talk to women... how to get dates... how to take things to a "physical" level smoothly... and much more.
All the details, plus some great free sampes are here...
And if you haven't taken the time to download my online eBook, stop and do that RIGHT NOW. You can download it and literally be reading it within a few minutes. Go download it here:
I'll talk to you again in a couple of days.
- Your Friend, David D.